A Shitty Ride Home

"Gil, this is one of those shits where I have to take my pants totally off"

That's the latest line from Tal, who has been suffering from a hilarious bout of the shits. I've been laughing my ass off for the last hour. We got a little lost driving home from dinner at the Olive Garden and he was having a really hard time keeping his shit together. I even had to pull over at a shitty run-down plaza about 4 blocks from my place because he just couldn't hold it any longer. Then he got turned away and had to look around for a bathroom. I was hysterical. He sent me an sms message mid-poop saying "This ain't pretty". Later on when I strung together the ideas that he's been eating nothing but hot pockets and now had the runs, I burst into an uncontrollable Gil laughing fit, which, if you've ever seen one, is a pretty powerful and scary event. This is by far the highlight of Tal's visit here.

Oh, and he secretly loves DDR by the way.

LALALA- That crackhead has a sweet ass- Featuring the blogtastic stylings of Los Angelian visitor, Tal

There's nothing like travelling with an odd looking parcel that might speak volumes about your personality. But I swear, it's not mine. Gil had asked me to play FedEx and cradle in my bosom his precious dance intensive video game, "Dance Dance Revolution: Extreme". The El-al interrogation had me sweating bullets, asking me all sorts of random questions, having me speak some choppy jew and generally judging my terroristic integrity on an ad hoc basis. "Did someone pack your bag for you", she asked, explaining that she is only asking this question because history has proven that sometimes bags packed by others (particularly a fellow named Bin Laden) are known to carry explosive devices. Lord knows I am no mule for Bin Laden. America, Fuck Ya!
Moving forward, the plane ride was nice and smooth and teeming with Israeli ex-pats. After a 5+ hour flight, people are antsy and very eager to get off the clammy, dry confines of an airplane fuselage, so it is entirely acceptable that the anxious passenger will prematurely remove their seatbelts and collect their overhead belongings beforethe plane is ready for disembarkment, and yet there is always some douchebaguette who feels he is the most righteous and most patient to extoll his virtues with a "geez, sitcher asses down". I definitely felt his hostility was rooted in anti-Semitism. ELAL- Flying Jews around the world just inches beneath Heaven at Jewtastic prices!

Now Gil is doing his best to entertain me as he sits to my opposition watching an episode of "Lost" on his laptop- with headphones. He's not quite used to companionship as he had kicked it cold turkey for the past two months. Let's see if i can reacquaint him to pure, unadulterated coolness.

Question of the week: Do people who reak of "pure, unadulterated coolness" spend evenings in Los Angeles writing in theirs friends' blog?

New Threads!

Got a Camera

I finally bought myself a digicam so I can show you my dinners in vivid colour and be able to provide the poster-sized prints you have been quietly wishing for. Don't worry, Gil knows your dreams.

Main Area
Originally uploaded by Gillios.

Socialy Secure

I got my social security number. I am also deeply in love with Netflix. Ben is in town so I'm probably going to hang out with him soon. He's an old pro at this "being L.A" thing, so it should be fun. Did I mention I really like Netflix? Don't even have to move my lazy ass to get a dvd, it just comes to me. They even have a girls gone wild-esque series available. Live the dream Gil, live the dream.

Tonight I had a long phone convo with my bros. The brothers Hogie are unstoppable. We will always be on time for everything, 'cause we're crazy like that! Don't mess.

I also had an intense discussion with Jenn about chicken fingers. She makes the bold claim that President's Choice brand spicy chicken fingers are the greatest ever. Since I'm a Janes man, I can't speak to the quality of the PC product. Can anyone in the teedot corroborate this? Below is a picture of my dinner, with the usual horrible quality you've come to expect and tolerate! Now that I've been paid, I'm going to start shopping for a digicam.



Besides a talent for Puck-ish culinary masterwork, I have discovered a somewhat alarming ability, nay a superpower. I'm not ready to discuss it yet because you may react badly to the shocking news. I don't want to be labeled a freak, at least not until the next X-Men movie comes out. At that point I will reveal my powers and accept whatever judgement you pass.

Mental Health Day

This morning I woke up and went for a walk around the farmer's market. I thought about buying strawberries because they always look so good but I have too much food. I went to Borders and bought myself a yoga mat and a couple of books (Franny and Zooey, Kafka on the Shore).

On Shoshi's advice, I went for a drive to the beach. I took the 101 to Malibu canyon, and then took that road to the ocean. It really is a nice drive, through mountains and stuff. And, as Shoshi promised, at the end of the canyon road, I was shat out onto the pacific highway. I took it to santa monica, parked, and walked around the beach and pier. It was a little ronery being in that area around so many couples holding hands doing what appears to be the #1 most popular date activity in L.A. But I had an ice cream and it was nice and peaceful. There are many street/pier performers in that area. Most of them are based solely on the idea of balancing a spinning ball on stuff. Pretty lame when compared to the crazy sword juggling contortionist dude we saw in NYC. And he was slick about asking for money; these people just guilt the crowd and don't do the grand finale until they pass around their bucket.

So yah, that's about all. It was a pretty calm and relaxing day overall. Now I'm back in my place and ready to attack some Thai leftovers.

Like a Foxx!

So long time no update? How've you been? Who cares, I'm the coolest! I'll skip over the boring daily stuff and just mention that Jamie Foxx is filming a music video in the alley right next to my building.


From my roof I have the perfect vantage point. Too bad I don't have a decent camera! I had to make due with my cell phone cammy. He was literally within spitting range. Not that I would spit on the guy; he rules.

It's still going on but I got bored. In my head I entertained fantasies of offering Mr. Foxx a cold beer, running down and giving him one, and then he'd say "Thanks man, you're cool. Wanna come to an awesome party tonight?" And I would say, "Gosh Mr. Foxx, I sure would!" And then I would go to the party and well... you can take the fantasy from there.

Actually I might end up going to a fun party tonight. The Israeli dude who sold me the car called and we might go to some live Israeli music thing or just for some drinks.

I got a haircut this morning from a gay german named Ernest. These Americans love to bitch about immigration reform. Even the foreigners have no sympathy for illegal workers and assume that these people are taking advantage of the system and getting all this free money. It's nutty, and people always seem to want to bring it up in convo, whereas I just want to know where a guy can go to get whipped by a dominatrix around here. Make love or at least pleasurable pain, not war or umm... reform.

Hung

Last night I checked out that comedy show. Some of the sketches were really funny, but others were a disappointment. Neither Andy Dick nor Ask a Ninja performed live, but ninja was there as his alter-ego: Fat Nerd. Before the show started the music playing was a lounge singer doing various songs that were kind of funny sung in that style, like Welcome To The Jungle.

Noteworthy Sketches:

Matthew McConaughey as a monster in a little girl's closet. The guy doing the impression was just spot on and had some memorable lines like "I prefer to see the rose in the vase and not the dust on the counter, hombre."

Two English professors from Harvard and Yale discussing the genius of Mark Twain, intercut with Mark Twain giving the real truth: "I wanted to find a word that rhymed with Fuckleberry", "I changed my name so women know I will get 'twain their legs".

Two people from MadTV did a sketch about urban clowns. This one had me laughing the hardest. It was about a new urban dance called crumpin'. They dance around like fools and then the guy clocks the girl. He informs us that while crumpin' may look like domestic violence, it's really a dance. They repeat the dance and beating. Hard to do it justice, but they had the 3 keys to my heart: clowns, sexual violence, and dancing.

I got pretty drunk during all this. Prices were nutty. A gin & tonic was $8 plus tip, and a Heineken was $6. That's on account of "half price beers".

Today I went to home depot and got the tools I needed to properly hang my bathroom shelf and kitchen rail. The shelf proved difficult because one of the holes was blocked by cement or metal or something, so I had to improvise. I have a second shelf like the one I hung in the bathroom but now I don't know what to do with it. Anyway, it's up and my stuff is on it but I have a feeling that it's not so secure. The rail, on the other hand, is great. I think there's supposed to be a way to hang the dish rack from the rail, but I couldn't figure it out so I'm just going to use that thing for hanging pots and pans. My kitchen feels nice and organized. Have a look-see!

Catsup With Me

Sunday Morning

Last night with Dave was fun. We had dinner at an Italian place called Max's, and then went bar hopping. He seems to either know the city well by now, or was just leading me down random streets and picking random bars. There are enough bars in New York. The last place we wandered into was Coyote Ugly. Kind of a fun juvenile feel to the place... Lots of cute girls. The whole dancing on the bar thing surprisingly didn't do it for me. Maybe because they were all terrible dancers and didn't use fire like the mamacitas in the movie.

These are the places we went to, in order: The Stoned Crow, Bar Peculier, Botanica, The Magician, and Coyote Ugly. If I was a more enterprising nerd, I would plot these on a Google map as I had originally intended. But I have no time.

Today I've been promised a really tasty bagel at a place nearby. I'll probably go to catch a train to Princeton at around 4 or so. I have a slight hangover, but I woke up at 11 and couldn't really sleep more. Sharing a bed with David sucks. He hogs the blanket *and* sodomizes. Right, Shoshi? Okay so I didn't sleep in David's bed. I improvised a bed out of the two little couches and some homeless guy carcasses stacked up. What, too soon?

Sunday Afternoon

So the bagel place will remain a mystery to me. But we ended up having an awesome brunch with Willa at a Brazilian place. We sat outside and acquaintances of Willa & Dave's kept walking by and talking obsessively about where to go for brunch. It was very New York, I loved it. After breakfast we walked around for a while and stumbled on the 20th annual Squatters Mayday in Union Square Park. It was basically a DJ with a huge sound system blasting techno while a couple of hot girls danced with hula hoops. We were mesmerized for what seemed like an eternity. We also had some Belgian ice cream.

Thursday Night

I have been too busy to really keep this thing updated. That's a good thing. I want to be too busy to document my every movement :) The meeting days were boring, but the dinners were good and you can't argue with free. You capitalist pig.

Tomorrow night I am going to see a comedy show. It'll be my first official night out in L.A. and I'm going hand solo. Ask A Ninja dude will be there, as will Andy Dick, and some other comedians. Should be a blast. Maybe Andy Dick will make fun of me for being so handsome!